Coaching

Setting Life Goals for 2023

Move beyond the comparison mindset to step into your true worth!

Closing out the year is a time of reflection and acceptance. It’s a time when we can ask ourselves, as we look back over the year, what is working and what did we skip this year that maybe proved to be worthwhile for our mental and emotional health. So often, we judge ourselves for not doing what other people are doing or for not living up to this imaginary expectation that is set and created by the lens of viewing lives through social media.

Acknowledging that you need to change your thinking is difficult to swallow, but it’s important to create a new way of being.

Accepting ourselves is hard. For example, accepting that we aren’t the type of mom that puts a made-from-scratch meal on the table every night. Or that we don’t decorate the whole house for Christmas; heck, putting a tree up was hard enough!

In the AA world (Alcoholics Anonymous), this is step four; Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. As a 10-year sober person, I’ve seen myself come upon this step many times, not just in relation to my addiction to alcohol. The process of acknowledging and accepting pulls me out of the downward spiral of comparison. The cycles of I’m not good enough, or I’m not doing enough, and in reality, the vision of my life has been set too far away from my truth.

Acknowledging and accepting is a way to take inventory of your life rather than continually making the same resolutions year after year, which results in you feeling like a failure. So let’s flip the switch and try things differently this year!

This is a simple prompt to get you focused on becoming a better version of you. You’ll notice that it doesn’t involve taking inventory of your finances or weight. Let’s move beyond that way of thinking and bring our attention to the mindset that matters in making change. Download the image below, print it out, and post it in an area of your house where you will see it often to remind you of your life goals.

Here is an example of the same prompts one of my clients and I created together to allow her room to step further into her authority of self.

Letting go of the outside expectations we put on ourselves is hard to do, but I’m proud of you for seeing your worth. If you’d like some additional help on this journey, I’d be happy to jump on a call and see if we are a good fit for working together.

Conversation Starters to Create Community in a Post-Pandemic World

Coaching, Mindfulness, Wellness

As we emerge from the pandemic, hosting and attending parties is even harder than before.

Gathering together is essential for our mental and emotional health. We are social beings, yes, even introverts! Gathering together provides a sense of belonging and social connectedness, which is important for our mood and energy levels. Whether we are the host or the guest this holiday season, building community is vital.

As we enter the month of December, our holiday calendars are beginning to fill up with work parties, neighborhood get-togethers, and family dinners. And we shouldn’t rely on the party’s host to do all the work. As guests, we can help set the stage and make others feel more at ease.

Some people are just now emerging into the world more comfortably. They are eating at restaurants again, going to indoor classes, and gathering with people outside the family and friends they have previously deemed “safe.” Their reasons for -why now- vary greatly, but honestly, the reasons aren’t necessary. Everyone has to move at their own pace. And as a society, in general, we need to be more empathic. So let’s dig deep to accept that some people need additional time to feel more at ease, whether post-pandemic or at a holiday party. And that’s okay!

Even if you tend to lean towards social anxiety, claim to be an introvert, or feel shy in social situations, there are ways that you can help to create a community without having to exert a lot of effort. For example, a small gesture like offering a smile to a person you notice who may feel the same way as you do goes a long way!

I like to rehearse questions I could ask people before going to the gathering. I bore of the “what do you do for work” type of conversations. I live in the Washington DC area; it seems like everyone is a contractor for the government or works for a non-profit and speaks in acronyms that I don’t understand.

When people aren’t talking about their work, they sometimes talk at great length about how amazing their kids are, another topic I find exhausting to listen to or pretend excitement about. It’s also an isolating topic for adults who don’t have children. Unfortunately, when people are at a loss on what to talk about, more times than I’d like to count, they will begin to complain about something, the weather, traffic, or God-forbid politics.

During the “what do you do for work” conversations, I have noticed that people’s physicality changes. They armor up, their arms cross over their chest, and their chin lifts; the voice becomes deeper, louder, or suddenly the tempo of their speech pattern becomes faster. The way the person talks about their job with this physicality shift is to make what they do sound impressive or important. But it doesn’t promote connectedness.

Instead, we are all posturing and trying to impress each other but doing this creates the opposite outcome we want to achieve. We need to do the reverse of armoring up. Instead, we need to peel back the layers a bit. That doesn’t mean the holiday party becomes a therapy session! But it does mean that we need to be more intentional about our conversations so that we can truly get to know the person better. You or I are not summed up by our jobs or the achievements of our children.

To avoid uncomfortable moments of silence with strangers, I like to come up with questions that move beyond work, or how awesome your kid is, or complaining conversations to dive deeper into getting to know the person. Questions that don’t make me or them feel like we have to pretend to be someone other than who we are. I’ve found that these starter questions level the playing field, so to speak, regardless of social economic factors.

Here are some of my favorites:

Have you picked up any new hobbies?
Have you always lived in this area?
How do you know (the host)?
What is your favorite place to visit?
What is bringing you joy this week?
What is your favorite holiday?
Most memorable vacation- go!

Bee Yoga Fusion

At my yoga studio, students who are regulars become accustomed to my somewhat random questions to get conversations started before class begins. Or my observations about duplicate names in the room or when people arrive wearing the same clothes color. In this picture, these two women arrived at class wearing the same shirt, and I exclaimed, “we have to take a picture on the bee wall- ya’ll match!” They both laughed and happily agreed. The best part of this moment was afterward when they introduced themselves to each other. You’d never know by the smiles on their faces that they are complete strangers!

Moments like these happen because I take the time to create community; it’s not about me or any of the instructors at the studio. It’s about the people who are here and sharing space. And the same holds true for your holiday party. It’s not about the house size, food, or decor. It’s how you make people feel who come into your home or sit next to you at the restaurant where the holiday gathering is taking place. Whether the host or the guest, we can do our part to create community by being intentional with our goal of getting to know the person we are experiencing in real life. We don’t need to commit to having a forever relationship with them, but we can make the most of the next hour together!

Four Steps to Process Traumatic Experiences

Coaching, Mindfulness

I recently went to the hospital for a ruptured appendix, and the doctors all remarked that it could have drastically gone another way. The chief of surgery told my wife that if we had waited an hour, he would have been having a different conversation with her. There were times when my blood pressure and heart rate were so low that later the technicians told me that they couldn’t believe I was alive and chatting with them, that I came through the worst of it without having a stroke.

I understand that that was a near-death experience, and I’m not taking that lightly. I often feel that we have these moments in life to shake us up, a way for our Higher Power/Universe/God to work through us so that we can be more in line with our destiny or the vision for our lives.

I’ve been pondering that a lot. Am I fulfilling my purpose? What am I here to do, and am I doing it? Pema Chödron, a Buddhist nun, refers to this as the “Big Squeeze.”

There’s a discrepancy between your inspiration and the situation as it presents itself, the immediacy of the situation. It’s the rub between those two things—the squeeze between vision and reality—that causes you to grow up, to wake up to be 100 percent decent, alive, and compassionate. The big squeeze is one of the most productive places on the spiritual path”
— taken from the book Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chödron

I know I’m not the first to question their direction or destiny after a near-death experience, but I also don’t want to dismiss these internal questions just because others have experienced it. Instead, I want to channel this energy to gain a deeper connection to my Higher Power/God. I want to use this experience as a compass to continue doing my work and be a conduit for good in the world.

Years ago, I worked with a former Tibetan monk who then turned therapist to guide me through processing some challenging life experiences. They took me through a four-part process that I still use today when presented with these moments of uncertainty. This is not their exact formula but one I have modified from our work together.

Step 1: Identify

Identify what is happening or happened. View it as though you are watching a movie about someone else’s life. Who was involved? What happened? When and where did it take place?

Step 2: Emotional Connection

What emotions did you feel during and after the experience? What emotions do you feel now? Identify the emotions to peel back the layers of why you feel the way you do about the experience.

Step 3: Go Deeper

This is the stage of true processing. Connect these emotions to past experiences. Have you felt this way before? What was the outcome? Are you associating that previous experience with this one because you are experiencing the same emotions? How can you look at it differently?

Step 4: Toolbox

Pull out the tools you have used before that helped you get through difficult experiences. If you are in recovery, that may mean going to a meeting or connecting to your sponsor—schedule additional appointments with your therapist or life coach. For me, it also means rolling out my yoga mat consistently to work through the emotions physically and within my meditation practice inviting the emotions into it and leaning in to become more curious as I continue to process all that I feel.

So often, I see folks get to step 3 and don’t want to do the additional work. But we need to go deeper and then get out our toolboxes and do the work so that we don’t continue hoarding this emotional baggage in our bodies. Trauma is like a frozen memory in your body that needs to be thawed and removed through emotional processing and physical movement and meditation. Numbing the feelings or pushing them aside doesn’t make them go away. They will come back up, but when they do, you won’t have the clarity to know what you are processing and why. Instead, it will feel like sadness for no reason or deep rage that isn’t directed at the right person.

I am now documenting and noticing my connection to all things big and small as I process my recent near-death experience. I don’t want to miss these signs of a deeper relationship with the universe. I believe that by continuing to do the work of emotional processing, I will move through this experience with a greater sense of living my true destiny.

If you need assistance processing a complex experience and want to create a plan to move forward, I will happily work through these steps with you to gain a deeper understanding of your life’s purpose.

Letting Go to Simplify this Season

Coaching, Minimalism

When we look to the seasons for cues, we can use their changes as a way to remind us to do our own self-reflection.

I’m not a believer in resolutions on one particular day, whether the start of the new year or a birthday, and instead, I prefer to look to the seasons as my guide for self-reflection. We are about to embark on fall, the leaves are beginning to change color, and eventually, they will fall to the ground.

Before we become overrun with pumpkin spice everything, let’s take a beat to think of what we need to let go of in our lives. Like the trees, letting their leaves fall to the ground, what can we release our grasp of this season to simplify and reduce clutter both mentally and physically? Maybe for some folks that will be simplifying routines or dinner meals. For others, it might be clearing clutter from the house so that you can focus and see what is important to you. Maybe it’s being honest with ourselves and moving away from the habits of overachieving or perfectionism, and allowing this season to be a time of ease.

Take a few moments today and think about what you need to let go of to prepare for the season ahead. Jot down a quick list and then move into action on one item. It might not be a one-time task and then it’s completed type of project. Schedule one-hour time slots on your calendar. Scheduling your action items on your calendar means that they become a priority rather than a forgotten goal. Whether cleaning out a closet or renewing your goal of meal prepping, put it on the calendar to hold yourself accountable. Schedule out a specific amount of time to do the task. We don’t have to complete it; we only need to move into action.

If, for example, on your list, you wrote down “clean out the attic.” A great project to do when the weather becomes cooler! Go up into the attic and tackle one area, purge, and organize. This system will give you a greater reward. When we give ourselves time to reflect on what we visually saw while doing our task, we will be less likely to continue to hoard or hold onto sentimental items.

If you are letting go of perfectionism or overachieving, schedule time for your self-care. Read a book, take a bath, watch a show while doing a face mask. Once we have the momentum of action for any of our goals, we will feel better about our progress and want to continue succeeding.

What can you release this fall? What do you no longer need in your life? Let’s move away from the goal mindset of having the task completed and finished and instead celebrate being in action. I look forward to hearing what you are releasing your grasp on this season.

When Managing Difficult Transitions in Life, Start With Your Foundation

Coaching

Life gives us so many ups and downs, emotionally and physically. And within each season of life, there are various transitions that feel harder than others. The start of a new school year is often one of them. Even though we, as parents, haven’t changed our jobs, it feels like a major upheaval in family life.

elementary aged children wearing backpacks running towards the school doors

So how do we navigate this transition? By simplifying and focusing on what I like to refer to in my coaching practice as your Foundation of Living. Think of your foundation as the basic necessities that you need to live; water, food, clothing, and shelter. And then ask yourself these questions:

Am I drinking enough water every day? Or am I oversaturating my body with caffeine to survive the emotions I am feeling? Grab one of the many water bottles that you have in your cabinet and consistently use it for drinking water throughout your day. Try to consume at least 80 ounces of water a day. (This is a baseline number, if you are working out extremely hard, you need to consume more.)

Where are the shortcuts I can take to feed my family healthy meals? Now may be a good time to purchase frozen pre-cut vegetables rather than fresh ones. Picking up a rotisserie chicken and using that in your recipe rather than raw meat that needs to be cut and cooked or relying on slow cooker recipes that do the work for you so that you can focus on other things. Make a list of easy recipes that you know your family will like and stick with them for a bit rather than trying a new recipe or getting creative. Let’s avoid dinner time meltdowns and focus on letting that time be a moment of connection rather than arguments over eating something new.

Is our house functioning in a way that alleviates arguments in the morning about getting out of the door in time? Maybe this means reevaluating where backpacks and shoes are stored. One of my clients put a small 4-drawer dresser in her foyer. Her daughter’s backpack lives on top of it, and the drawers are filled with all the last-minute things that ended up causing a breakdown in their morning; socks, hair ties, an extra uniform sweater in case she gets cold in her classes, etc. Or maybe it means allocating money in the budget to hire a cleaning company for the first few months of the school year so that an item can be taken off your to-do list.

Is the clothing that is in the closets and dressers performing well for this season? It’s a perfect time to go through socks and underwear and dispose of anything holey, or that has stretched-out elastic. Move “play clothes” or weekend clothing to a separate bin or drawer so that getting dressed is easier to manage. Eliminate the second trip your child has to take to their room to change into something more appropriate or less grubby/stained looking for their school day. Many people find great success in their weekday morning routines by spending thirty minutes Sunday evening with their child, picking out the clothing they will wear that week, and having it set out on top of the dresser or in a particular drawer.

Your Foundation of Living is unique to you, and not all of these ideas or suggestions will apply to you. That’s okay! It’s important, though, to go through the basic necessities you need to live; water, food, clothing, and shelter, and question whether they need to be changed or adjusted to navigate this new school year with better success. I am happy to help you create a personalized plan in one coaching session; reserve your spot by clicking this link and choosing a date and time that works for your schedule.

I look forward to helping you create a Foundation of Living to get through this season of your life!

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

Coaching

Boundaries are often thought of in a negative context, but I believe they allow for balance in your work and family time and provide harmony within your relationships. When you focus on what you need, that is when the edges appear to you, creating the boundaries required to live your best life.

In my yoga classes, I often explore the boundaries within the physical practice. For example, holding a balance pose for a bit longer than expected or what feels comfortable so that students explore where their edge is within their bodies while also learning how to rely on their own center of gravity. When we practice reaching and discovering where those edges are physically, we can sometimes then better understand how to apply that to our everyday lives. While testing and trusting our own deep center of balance, we can rely on our own intuition rather than looking for external validation or acceptance.

So what do boundaries look like for you? Maybe it means leaving work or shutting down the computer at 5 pm every night. Or recognizing that traveling for the holidays to see the family is only going to intensify your feelings of overwhelm. Or perhaps it means not spending time with people who feed off of negativity and gossip. If you say to yourself, “this isn’t right for me,” “I can’t do this anymore.” Give yourself permission to create the boundaries you need right now and move the edges a bit when needed. The lines don’t need to be rigid; we can go through various seasons of intensity. Rigid lines mean that people can’t cross them, and yes, there will be some fixed lines in your life; these are the deal breakers. But most of our boundaries are and can be ever-moving and shifting based on you and your environment and on compromises that need to take place.

For example, shutting down the computer at 5 pm every night sets the boundary of work-life balance. There is a huge need for this boundary to exist after the pandemic with folks working from home and even now with people transitioning to full-time telework. But there may be a season where that may not be possible based on deadlines you can’t control. For example, the tax accountant can’t shut down their computer at 5 pm every day starting on April 1st. It’s just not possible. They have a limited amount of time to file a bunch of people’s taxes. So the boundary may shift during that busy season. The key is to recognize where the season begins and ends and where the boundaries can continue to be.

We need to step further away from burnout. We need to move further away from that addiction to being busy. Let’s be honest, none of us are so important that we can’t take our accumulated vacation days. And yet so many Americans don’t use their vacation time, spouting off rhetoric that they don’t have the time or that it will be more challenging when they return. I’ve been guilty of this myself at times!

But if that is the case, there is a problem that needs to be fixed with creating boundaries. Don’t wait till December to figure this out. What boundary can you put in place today to successfully take that vacation later in the year? What boundary can you put in place that creates more space for you to breathe and feel at ease within your soul? You’ll discover that other people will respect and honor the example that you set forth. Focus on setting boundaries as a necessary step in your self-care journey. If you need help with this, I am available to coach you through this process.