Mindfulness

When It’s Time to Stop Scrolling and How to Redirect that Negative Energy

For myself, when I notice that I am sitting in a place of judgment as I scroll through social media, it’s time for me to turn it off and take a break- step away and don’t comment! When my mind is racing through thoughts and I find that I don’t have anything nice to say about anyone’s posts, that’s when I know that I need to put the phone down.

The hard part is doing the work and putting it into practice. Noticing when you are judgment-scrolling and when the experience of connection has turned into a passive-aggressive mind game. How do we do it?

The first step is observing yourself, tuning into your body and breathing. Notice the excitement in your body to comment, to tell them precisely what you think, your opinions, or how they are wrong and how you’d do it differently. The shoulders rise; you might be leaning towards the computer or phone. Be aware of your breath and notice that you are either holding your breath or breathing fast and shallowly. Posture and breathing are the first indications that you are not in the right state of being to share your best self with the digital world.

Observe the mind; if you find that your thoughts go to the negative end of the spectrum immediately, then that is a good sign that you aren’t in the best place mentally to comment on other people’s posts. I’m not saying that we only have to spread confetti and rainbows! But when people post on social media, they don’t want constructive criticism or negativity. So don’t be the one bringing that dish to that space.

So what to do instead? How do you pull away from the feelings you aren’t quite ready to face right now? Rather than getting shit-faced drunk and numbing the feelings into oblivion, here are some ideas to get your body moving without having to do much heavy lifting for your mind.

Clean the grout in your bathroom shower
Garden, pull weeds, especially
Rearrange the books on your bookshelf, color-coded, alphabetically, by genre, or by size
Organize the attic
Clean under the kitchen sink
Pull out all the spices, check expiration dates, and wipe down the shelves
Repot the plants in your house that need bigger containers
Put seasonal clothes into storage bins to store in the attic
Clean out the fridge, check expiration dates, and wipe down the shelves
Wipe down the baseboard moulding in every room with a damp cloth

Of course, eventually, you’ll want to talk through what you are feeling. Whether with your life coach to create new habits from now on or with your therapist to process why you continue to do the same action and what it’s linked to in your life. But right now, you need action. You need a mindless activity to give your body something to do with this energy and pull you away from creating drama or resentment from friends on social media.

But first- OBSERVE- the breath and body. Notice the tension and take that as your first sign to pull away and redirect your energy. Keep this list of ideas and add more when you think of them. You’ll notice this isn’t a self-care list. Because you aren’t there yet. After you’ve processed the underlining emotions attached to what you are feeling and experiencing, then self-care activities can come into place. But often, at this stage, the mind is racing too much to enjoy the relaxing benefits of self-care. We need movement, action, and mindlessness to combat the judgment or negative mindset.

How to Practice Intentional Listening

Coaching, Habit Change, Mindfulness, Wellness, Yoga

A common theme I talk about in my yoga classes is using the time you are spending on your yoga mat to take an inventory of your body.

To intentionally listen to what the body is telling you in each pose. Rather than focusing on the loud, constantly judging voice in your head evaluating whether you are doing this pose “right,” instead listening to the deeper story that the body is trying to tell you.

Is there a tightness there in my hip? Or does the shoulder actually feel good when I do that movement even though I’ve never moved it like that before? Take in the data without an emotional attachment to it. Without an opinion or judgment, use the time on your yoga mat as a way to take in the information.

When we begin to train ourselves to listen to the body, we can hear the cues before the injury happens, and we can hear things in the body before it becomes a full-blown issue. When the sore wrist is just a sore wrist and before it becomes wearing a brace and having carpel tunnel. Or that slight pull in the shoulder every time you over-extend the arms, listening to that feeling before it becomes a full rotator cuff situation. Of course, injuries happen sporadically. But often, the body is telling us something subtly first, and we have chosen to ignore it.

Once we become masters of intentionally listening to the body, we can take that knowledge off the mat and use it to intentionally listen to our spouse, co-workers, and friends.

A very simple example that I have witnessed with several of my coaching couples is asking someone in your family to take out the trash. The response is often a, “I’ll get to it…I’ll get to it in a minute”. And then what happens next is that the person forgets. They aren’t being malicious. They genuinely have forgotten because they were preoccupied when asked and something in their lives has a higher priority. So then, what happens? I think you know the answer. The original asker has to ask again. Guess what? The response is the same, “I’ll get to it”…

By the third time that the original asker has to ask, the simple task of taking out the trash has turned into a fight. Voices have escalated to yelling in the middle of the kitchen, and suddenly it turns into all the other times that you didn’t support her, didn’t follow through, and didn’t answer an important question.

It has suddenly become this mountain of a problem. And maybe it’s here when you think to yourself, “If I just took out the trash the first time I was asked, I could have avoided that huge blow-up!”

And you are partially correct. The feelings the person is experiencing are real. I’m not saying that the issues that are brought up in the moment of the fight aren’t going to be addressed later because it’s clear that those topics and feelings need to be talked through. But it isn’t ideal to yell or getting to the point of escalated emotions fueled by the trash not being taken out. This conversation should happen over dinner or as you lay in bed. Ideally, in a tone of voice that is in neutral volume rather than that higher pitch of frustration or that deeper growl of resentment.

Listening to those small cues that the people we love express to us, when they tell us what is important to them, we must listen and not assume. For example, when they ask us to take out the trash, we need to both understand their desire and together come to a compromise on the timeline of when it will happen. The important part is that they know we will do it. We may not stop what we are doing right at that moment, but within the next few hours, we will take it out without being asked again. Something so simple, having a conversation about trash and tuning into those subtle cues of frustration from our spouse is the way that we can support and love the other person, showing that we value them.

Again, we can begin the journey of intentional listening by learning to listen to the body. When we become experts on our bodies, we can take that how-to knowledge off our mats and apply it to our lives.

Learning to listen in a world where there is a lot of noise takes time, so be gentle with yourself. The loud voices of the people on Tic-Tok or Instagram create clutter in our heads. It’s time to tune them out, put down the phone and have deeper conversations of connection with the people we love. It’s essential for our relationships to listen to the subtitles of the people we care about, those in our inner circle, and commit to being more mindful in our relationships.

You are MORE than your job!

Coaching, Mindfulness, Self-care

I’ve confronted this concept many times in my coaching practice. Sometimes it is from folks who recently retired. After the big trip, they planned to celebrate this huge milestone. They arrive home and are wondering- what now?

Or from middle-aged clients who are questioning whether their job is fulfilling enough for their soul. Now that they find themselves looking deeper and focusing more of their attention on the tasks at work, whereas previously, their attention was being spent on their children. Or from recent graduates who are now wondering if they made the wrong decision by getting a degree in a field that doesn’t have a lot of upward momentum.

Wherever you are, when you come to question your career choice, it’s important that you are not using the fuel of regret to make your next move. And instead, it’s time to evaluate your self-care. Are you unhappy in your job or questioning your life stage because you aren’t taking the time to care for yourself? Have you been looking for external validation of your worth?

The concept of having a career or job that fulfills us or that defines us is a relatively new way of thinking. My ancestors probably didn’t find complete joy in working the fields, and if you look back at your own history, I’m pretty sure you’ll find a similar storyline. As Toni Morrison so eloquently points out: “You are not the work you do; you are the person you are.” – Toni Morrison.

Toni Morrison quote, You are not the work you do, you are the person you are

The very first step to take is to do an internal observation of your own body and mind. Simply sit with your thoughts for a minute or two and allow yourself to feel all the emotions around this topic. Then quickly jot down a bullet point list of what appeared for you.

Now, rather than thinking of your next career move, I want you to think about moving towards yourself. How can you show up for yourself differently today? Maybe that means that you nourish your body with healthier food choices. Or perhaps you move your body more today than you did yesterday. Choose an activity that makes you feel good and benefits only you. Here are some ideas:

Read a magazine
Spend the extra time to style your hair differently
Plant some flowers
Search for a recipe that reminds you of a loved one’s signature dish
Visit a thrift or antique store
Take photos of the things you love in and around your house
Pull out your old journals and read a few pages from various years

Readjust your energy to focus on your food, movement, and mental and emotional self-care before you go down the rabbit hole of researching your next career leap! You deserve to be a priority in your life and are worthy of spending time on yourself.

When You Feel Stuck in Life – Prioritize Yourself!

Habit Change, Mindfulness

We have all been through some version of feeling the blahs, whether about our job, the house we live in, or the person we are dating. It often begins with feelings of agitation or annoyance. A general state of dissatisfaction that we can’t quite put our finger on.

There are two very common directions that I see folks have gone in after they have come to me for life coaching because they still feel stuck. Guess what? Neither of these directions work!

The first path is to sweep in a different direction drastically. For example, quit the job, break off the relationship, or sell the house. The other approach is to become a zombie within your own life by not changing and keeping things exactly the same. When the underlining issues are not addressed people become angrier and resentful.

So how do we avoid going down either of those paths?

The concept is simple, but putting it into practice is harder than it appears. The answer is MEDITATION. Please don’t download an app. And I don’t want you to sign up for a meditation class or a 21-day challenge. I want you to try sitting with your eyes closed and notice your breathing for 2 minutes. Yes, two minutes, that’s it.

“But doesn’t meditating take longer than that?

No, it doesn’t have to. There are no rules about how to meditate or how long to do it. I believe in building things from the ground up so that you have a strong foundation for creating a new holistic habit in your life.

The hardest part of meditating is being with your own thoughts. What I like to call “sitting in the seat of observation” within yourself is an important step before making any changes in your life and is a wonderful way to prioritize your own self-care.

Begin with two minutes for week one.
Week 2, let’s double the time. Now we are at 4 minutes.
Week 3, let’s stay at 4 minutes.
Week 4, let’s double to 8 minutes.
Week 5, let’s stay at 8 minutes.
Week 6, let’s double it to 16 minutes.

We’ve reached our goal amount of time! Now let’s sustain it by continuing to sit for 16 minutes every day. Keep in mind that if any of the above time allotments seems challenging than stay at that time for another week. Creating this habit in your life may take longer than six weeks and that’s okay!

I find that if I schedule the time on my calendar, always around the same time, I am more successful in completing it. You don’t need a special chair or a cushion. You can sit in your car in the parking lot, on the edge of your bed after waking, or in your office chair with notifications silenced on your computer. The point is to be present in your body and with your thoughts. When we tune out the chaos and the distractions that are all around us when can focus on the underlining feelings that we are authentically having about the person or situation or the direction of our life.

Save the image below and print it out to keep a record of your success. Fill in a box for every day that you have meditated this month, whether it’s two minutes or sixteen. Remember, there is no “right way” to meditate. It truly is a simple practice yet one of the hardest things to put into action. But I believe in you! Keep me posted on your progress.

Conversation Starters to Create Community in a Post-Pandemic World

Coaching, Mindfulness, Wellness

As we emerge from the pandemic, hosting and attending parties is even harder than before.

Gathering together is essential for our mental and emotional health. We are social beings, yes, even introverts! Gathering together provides a sense of belonging and social connectedness, which is important for our mood and energy levels. Whether we are the host or the guest this holiday season, building community is vital.

As we enter the month of December, our holiday calendars are beginning to fill up with work parties, neighborhood get-togethers, and family dinners. And we shouldn’t rely on the party’s host to do all the work. As guests, we can help set the stage and make others feel more at ease.

Some people are just now emerging into the world more comfortably. They are eating at restaurants again, going to indoor classes, and gathering with people outside the family and friends they have previously deemed “safe.” Their reasons for -why now- vary greatly, but honestly, the reasons aren’t necessary. Everyone has to move at their own pace. And as a society, in general, we need to be more empathic. So let’s dig deep to accept that some people need additional time to feel more at ease, whether post-pandemic or at a holiday party. And that’s okay!

Even if you tend to lean towards social anxiety, claim to be an introvert, or feel shy in social situations, there are ways that you can help to create a community without having to exert a lot of effort. For example, a small gesture like offering a smile to a person you notice who may feel the same way as you do goes a long way!

I like to rehearse questions I could ask people before going to the gathering. I bore of the “what do you do for work” type of conversations. I live in the Washington DC area; it seems like everyone is a contractor for the government or works for a non-profit and speaks in acronyms that I don’t understand.

When people aren’t talking about their work, they sometimes talk at great length about how amazing their kids are, another topic I find exhausting to listen to or pretend excitement about. It’s also an isolating topic for adults who don’t have children. Unfortunately, when people are at a loss on what to talk about, more times than I’d like to count, they will begin to complain about something, the weather, traffic, or God-forbid politics.

During the “what do you do for work” conversations, I have noticed that people’s physicality changes. They armor up, their arms cross over their chest, and their chin lifts; the voice becomes deeper, louder, or suddenly the tempo of their speech pattern becomes faster. The way the person talks about their job with this physicality shift is to make what they do sound impressive or important. But it doesn’t promote connectedness.

Instead, we are all posturing and trying to impress each other but doing this creates the opposite outcome we want to achieve. We need to do the reverse of armoring up. Instead, we need to peel back the layers a bit. That doesn’t mean the holiday party becomes a therapy session! But it does mean that we need to be more intentional about our conversations so that we can truly get to know the person better. You or I are not summed up by our jobs or the achievements of our children.

To avoid uncomfortable moments of silence with strangers, I like to come up with questions that move beyond work, or how awesome your kid is, or complaining conversations to dive deeper into getting to know the person. Questions that don’t make me or them feel like we have to pretend to be someone other than who we are. I’ve found that these starter questions level the playing field, so to speak, regardless of social economic factors.

Here are some of my favorites:

Have you picked up any new hobbies?
Have you always lived in this area?
How do you know (the host)?
What is your favorite place to visit?
What is bringing you joy this week?
What is your favorite holiday?
Most memorable vacation- go!

Bee Yoga Fusion

At my yoga studio, students who are regulars become accustomed to my somewhat random questions to get conversations started before class begins. Or my observations about duplicate names in the room or when people arrive wearing the same clothes color. In this picture, these two women arrived at class wearing the same shirt, and I exclaimed, “we have to take a picture on the bee wall- ya’ll match!” They both laughed and happily agreed. The best part of this moment was afterward when they introduced themselves to each other. You’d never know by the smiles on their faces that they are complete strangers!

Moments like these happen because I take the time to create community; it’s not about me or any of the instructors at the studio. It’s about the people who are here and sharing space. And the same holds true for your holiday party. It’s not about the house size, food, or decor. It’s how you make people feel who come into your home or sit next to you at the restaurant where the holiday gathering is taking place. Whether the host or the guest, we can do our part to create community by being intentional with our goal of getting to know the person we are experiencing in real life. We don’t need to commit to having a forever relationship with them, but we can make the most of the next hour together!

Changing Your Mind Isn’t Failure

Habit Change, Mindfulness, Minimalism, Wellness

I had every intention not to purchase any clothes in 2022, and I stated it publically.

The reasons why I wanted to do this were personal; no one was forcing me to do it, nor was it for financial reasons. I also wasn’t doing it to gain any attention. But I’m sure you already know that when you speak something out loud to other people, it gains momentum within yourself, and you are more inspired to continue for the simple reason that someone else knows what you are wanting to do.

I wouldn’t identify as someone who has a shopping problem. Each season, all of my clothes fit into a 4-foot wide by 2-foot depth closet. I haven’t spilled over into anyone else’s closets in our house, nor am I busting out of my own. I store two Rubbermaid bins in the attic and swap out seasonal items, but otherwise, I don’t feel like I have an excess.

I wanted to challenge myself to see how long I could go without purchasing clothes. Guess what? It wasn’t long before I caved and bought something.

I told myself many times throughout the year that I “needed” the item. And sometimes I did, whether because I gained weight or because I didn’t have something appropriate to wear to an event. But I didn’t “need” every item I purchased, and a few I regretted after the first time wearing it. What I learned along the way has been quite eye-opening, and I blogged about that here.

Other people’s reactions to the journey of my challenge has been even more interesting. People have asked me somewhat snarkily, “how does it feel to fail publically?” The thing is, I don’t consider it a failure because I learned so much this year about my spending habits but also, and most importantly, about my personal style. Learning what I like and don’t like, what colors look good with my skin tone, and the shapes of clothing and how it changes the perception of the actual shape of my body, etc. So yes, I spent money, and I didn’t complete what I had set out to do, but I’m okay with that. And you should be too!

Life happens! We may say that we are going to do one thing and have every intention to do that, but then something in our life changes, whether that be because our circumstances have changed or because we changed our minds. We didn’t know when making the goal how stress, sickness, or life changes were going to shift our radar. But it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t set goals or challenge ourselves.

More importantly, I worry about how people latch on to the word- failure. Trying, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, and learning is not a failure! When I was divorcing my ex-husband, I remember crying in a therapy appointment about feeling as though I failed at my marriage. My therapist clarified to me that divorce is not a failure. It’s two people moving in different directions. Similarly, when we set out to create a habit change at the beginning of the year, failure isn’t what we call trying, doing your best, and possibly changing your mind because what you thought would be a good idea turns out isn’t possible for you to complete this year. That’s okay! That is not failure.

Some may argue that the people who comment about your completion of a goal are just trying to hold you accountable. If you have someone in your life making you feel bad for not following through with what you said you would at the beginning of the year, that’s not accountability. That’s judgment! The best response is to be clear that you won’t tolerate that negativity, reminding them that you were doing this for yourself, maybe even for fun. And people judging your results is not motivating for anyone.

Maybe you are already thinking about a different goal for 2023. And I want to support you on that journey. Consider me your cheerleading squad! Share in the comments what you plan to focus on in 2023, and let’s hold each other up with love and support. And please join us in the virtual Refocus on Wellness group that meets on the first Monday of the month at 7 pm. We focus on living our best lives and supporting each other’s goals for a better future.