Mindfulness

Abandon Privilege to See the Undercurrent of Fear

I’ve been conducting a social experiment.

Gretchen at bee yoga fusion staring into the camera wearing fashionable glasses and blonde spiky hair

My yoga studio, Bee Yoga Fusion, is located in the suburbs outside of Washington DC. Nestled in the town center of historic Old Greenbelt, the studio is located above the local credit union bank and the door to the studio is next to the ATM machine. Since COVID began in March 2020 most of the businesses continue to be shut down. I am going to the studio to do virtual classes but people aren’t hanging out in the town and it feels a bit eerie.

If someone is at the ATM when I approach the studio, their back is to me and it feels a bit awkward to come up behind them and go to the door. I know that if I was in their shoes it would be a trauma trigger for me, I have been attacked and mugged.

So when I see someone there I first shake my keys as I approach and then I say the same line to every person regardless of their appearance of gender or race.

“Hello! I’m just going to the door over here.” Then I put my key in the door, look back at them and smile and say “I didn’t want to scare you.” Same two lines, delivered exactly the same every time. The response is what is interesting.

Women: regardless of race hold their purses closer to their bodies when I shake my keys and ALL of them take a deep exhale when I look back at them and smile. They ALL say “Thank you”. Maybe with a compliment on my hair or glasses.

Black men: their backs visibly stiffen when I shake my keys and it isn’t until I smile back at them that they relax their posture. They too always say “Thank you”. And typically tell me to “Have a good day” or “God Bless”.

White men: have no visible change when I shake my keys. When I look back at them and smile and deliver my second line it’s mind-blowing how many times I have heard this response, “What, are you going to attack me?” (Sarcastic laugh) “Or put COVID on me?”

I was (and am) fully aware of white privilege but what this truly showed me is the undercurrent of fear that lives in women and black men on a daily basis that just doesn’t exist for white men.

I’m taking this knowledge and continuing to teach my (white) sons how to exist in the world by being more compassionate and aware of this undercurrent of fear that is fully alive in other people. I am not teaching my sons to fear someone coming up from behind them or to fear people at all. But rather to be compassionate towards others when they are approaching someone from behind regardless if it’s a woman, man, non-binary person, and regardless of race.

Women are taught by their parents at an early age to be mindful of being attacked. Typically when they learn to drive, with how to protect themselves with their keys. Some parents may buy their daughter mace to carry in her purse. Protecting yourself is taught and rehearsed. Are some men taught this too? Sure. The majority…no.

Black children are taught by their parents how to interact with the police. What to do if they are pulled over. Taught how to move, what to say. Phone numbers memorized in their heads. Are some white children taught this? Maybe. The majority…absolutely not.

I want my (white) sons to be aware of these differences and to go out into the world and lean into empathy and compassion rather than following the standard path laid out before them because they are white men. And I hope in doing so this will ripple out a small change within future generations. Will you join me?

Being Intentional in the Post-Pandemic World

Mindfulness

As more and more folks are getting their second COVID vaccine shot it feels as though we are on this cusp of getting back out into the world.

Something happens after you get that second shot, there is a mental shift where you feel a little bit more liberated and the fear of going out becomes less, the fear of being around other people becomes less all because of that simple shot in your arm.

It feels as though we are on this precipice of discovering our world again, outside of our homes. And I encourage you to take note of what you’ve learned about yourself, what we’ve learned during this time of quarantine. And sure we can muddle through all of the things that we hated about it and that’s what a lot of people are doing. Complaining about the time away from loved ones, lamenting about the events that didn’t take place, or only talking about the vacation that they missed out on.

I think that in order to get through a hard time, we need to shift our perspective and look at the positive. Look at what it is that you’re taking out of this that you’ve learned about yourself, or that you’ve learned about the world. Allow this to be a change that takes place within you going forward, that you’re not just going to fall back into the nostalgia of your old life. You’re going to come out of the pandemic with your eyes wide open.

I am vowing to be more intentional with my time. I want to be intentional within my relationships and the time that we spend together. And my reason for this new intention of how and with whom I am spending my time is because I am leaving the pandemic with the awareness of the expiration of life. As the statics of deaths and COVID cases are fed to me daily from my city government via text message I have become very aware of our expiration date on this earth. Of course, we don’t know when we will die, how, or if it will be from COVID and I’ve always known, for example, that at some point my parents are going to die. So rather than dwell on this eventual outcome I’ve become more intentional with my time with them. Making sure that we are spending quality time together.

My parents have always been avid cyclists my whole entire life. When other kids would go to Disney World or some beach vacation, my parents would drag my sisters and me on a week-long “Bike across Kentucky” type of bike ride with other crazy cyclists. Every day, we would bike 40 to 50 miles and that was their idea of a family vacation. This means I spent a great amount of my childhood looking at the back of my parents on a bicycle. Typically my father, right in front of me, and I’d watched his calf muscles as we’d climb a hill. He has these incredible calf muscles, he always has. Recently we went on a 35-mile bike ride together and I made a point of taking a picture of his calf muscles. Why? Because now I am becoming aware of the expiration of life, I hold this memory in my mind and there’s no photo of it. There’s no photo of my father’s calf muscles, why would there be? But there is now! The man is 79 years old and gosh they’re incredible. And I want to remember him like this and all of our time together spent on bikes. I want to hold this mental memory in a picture.

Gretchen's 79 year old father on a bicycle and his incredible calf muscles

In your own Rolodex of memory pictures within your mind, what could you recreate holding that person freeze-framed in a picture? Not perfectly smiling and not dressed to the nines, but just that special something that you remember them doing. Is that your mom kneading dough and making bread? Your grandmother’s lemon meringue pie, and that perfect whip across the top? While we have these people in our lives let’s try to keep those memories active. Maybe it’s recreating the image. I wanted that image of my dad’s calves so I could tell the story to my children and my grandchildren and show them a photo as proof of how amazing this man is. Maybe it’s somebody who has passed for you within this year. Write the story, write the memory that you hold in your mind down on paper so that you can share it with others.

As we make our way further out into the world around us let’s commit to standing firmer in our truth. That truth is a concoction of what you’ve learned about yourself over the past year, what you’ve learned about your spouse and your family. The truth is how you want to show up each day in this post-pandemic world.

If you are reading this and thinking to yourself that you have no idea what you’ve learned, that’s fine. Spend some time this week and really reflect on it. Think about it. Buzz through your calendar and look at what you did during this time. We’re not looking for accomplishments and accolades, just how your time was spent.

Did you watch more Netflix? Did you read more books? Did you take more walks? Did you get a dog? How did you use your time, and think about how that action has influenced your life. Are you making meals at home and eating healthier? Are you moving your body more? Showing up for online classes, creating a healthier life going forward and not falling back into eating out and ingesting a ton of fried food, getting lazy with our time and our energy, and our bodies.

Let’s be intentional going forward. What version of you, post-pandemic, do you want to share with this world, and what things do we want to hold a little bit closer to the heart. Let’s collectively have the courage to show up and step into our truth, to move through disappointment and failure, and rise strong. To live through this disappointing year and emerge with a newfound knowledge of how we want to show up in the world.

The Importance of Serving Others

Mindfulness

Living my life by being of service is a huge component of my sobriety.

At one time it looked like raising an extensive amount of money for organizations whether through organizing a gala, a book sale, or a 5k race in my neighborhood. But as my (service-based) business has grown, I don’t have the time for those larger events anymore. What I do have time for is living my daily life in line with being of service. And so do you, trust me!

When we live life with service at the forefront of our actions we are exuding kindness. As an added bonus compassion starts to show up in our lives too. Service or also called volunteering doesn’t have to be dishing out food at a food bank or selling cookies for the school bake sale. Think outside of the box of what you traditionally thought of as service or volunteering. It can be something much smaller.

For example, if you have a dog you are most likely already carrying poop bags on your walk. Why not fill one up with the trash that you see in your neighborhood as you go on your walk? If you love animals, how about fostering a four-legged pal while you are still working from home during the pandemic. How about the neighbor that lives alone, invite them to sit on the porch and chat (socially distanced of course). No awards will be given but the impact you will make on your community, your friends, your family, and yourself will be bigger than any moment at a gala.

My family has been in a quarantine pod for quite some time now. We have dinner once a week and hang out. It has definitely been a lifesaver during the pandemic. This past weekend we took one of their kids, they have two, for a sleepover at our house. The kids are at the stage where it seems as though they are constantly bickering, it’s something that the parents have mentioned to us. And I remember my own kids reaching this stage as well. With my kids, it seemed like I was constantly playing referee and finding myself saying, “Please just play with him for an hour!” to my older son. I also vividly remember when my older sister was no longer interested in playing Barbies with me and didn’t want me around. It’s a stage that all siblings tend to go through when the older one is in the preteen age and you can suddenly see this big divide in their maturity.

Gretchen and a family friend, the pre-teen girl that she wants to be a role model for.

So we took just one kid and it felt so good to be of service in that way, for her. To allow her space to simply do whatever she wanted to do for the weekend, to not have to compromise with a younger brother, to just be. We colored together for hours, went for walks, looked at flowers. We didn’t do anything super incredible, we are still living in a pandemic and not everything is open or safe to go to. But just holding space for someone else, it’s such magic.

For me, it also is about being a role model for this young girl. Most importantly it’s about being a role model who is sober. Now it’s not that her parents are heavy drinkers, they are not! (We honestly wouldn’t be friends if they were.) But I think about myself at that age and she is reaching the age, that for me, was when underage drinking happened. 13 years old. Thinking about that and seeing myself in her…I want to give her what I felt like I needed at that age. An adult, who wasn’t my parents, that I could look up to. Someone that could show me being happy and living authentically doesn’t have to go hand in hand with drinking or doing drugs.

Start by thinking about the last time someone did a kind and gentle act for you. Maybe it was a random phone call from a long-lost friend or maybe a neighbor stopped by with some baked goods. Maybe someone offered you some plants that they had extra of from their yard. These are all ways in which we can think of reaching out with kindness and being of service in our lives. We can be of service in a variety of ways from four-legged to two-legged teenagers to your elderly neighbor down the street. We can step beyond our own world of needs and we can give love and kindness to someone else. Go ahead, give it a try!

What would your inner child tell you to do?

Mindfulness

If 10-year-old YOU could be here now, how would they feel about this situation of you not putting yourself as a priority? What would that inner child tell you to do?

I remember as a child feeling hungry, feeling the belly grumble, telling my mom how hungry I was, and then eating food. As an adult, there have been many times when I felt hungry but rather than listen to what my body was telling me instead I immediately thought of how eating a meal at that moment would fit into the family schedule or how it would affect everyone else in my house. I want so badly to be a home where my kids remember us sitting down to the table to eat dinner together, but honestly with my yoga teaching schedule, it’s nearly impossible to do.

Being 10 is all about change, embarking on this new double-digit adventure of adolescence but yet still focused on themselves and their needs rather than looking at the opinions of others.

Let’s try to channel back to that 10-year-old YOU.

Let’s put YOU on the to-do list this week so that your needs are being met and you feel as though you are engaging in your relationships from a place of abundance.

Self care isn't selfish on a small display board

What does that look like for me? I am reminding myself of my inner child who would eat when hungry, I’m listening more to that inner voice within me now. If I’m hungry, I eat. If it doesn’t work with the schedule of the rest of the house I sit down with them and have a cup of tea while they eat. Sometimes we have to let go of the rules and restrictions we put on ourselves and evaluate whether or not those rules serve us to be our best selves.

Mindfulness is about living with intention and evaluating the habits we have placed in our lives and letting go of the things that aren’t serving us anymore. When we are more mindful in all of the aspects of our lives; family, work, relationships, we see how important it is that self-care is a weekly priority.

Think back to when you lived life with your needs in the forefront of your mind. Maybe it’s not the 10-year-old you, maybe it’s 16 or 21. A time when you listened to your inner self more than the opinions of others. What lessons could you take from that time to bring into the present day so that you make yourself a priority this week?

Erase Bad Memories to Make Room for JOY!

Coaching, Mindfulness

We are each made up of volumes of memories that create our present, our future, and our past. Each year we take in memories and impressions, which are then filed and stored within us mentally.

We choose for ourselves what memories we are going to keep ready and available at the forefront of our minds so that we can quickly pull them out and revisit them or tell a story about them. And we choose the memories that we are going to keep way back in the back of that filing cabinet, in the dark, dusty parts of the unconscious.

But here’s the thing, those memories, need to be weeded through regularly. Like tending to a garden, after planting the flowers we still occasionally need to pull out the weeds that have crept in.

The reason for weeding through the memories, even the unpleasant ones, is so that our consciousness can keep evolving. If we think of it in terms of having a storage cabinet of space. We can not purchase an additional unit of space, we are born with what we have. We have to get rid of the memories, typically in the deep back that we don’t want to look at often so that we have more room in the forefront for joy, for love, for laughter.

Repressing the memories of sadness or anger or hurt can create some serious health problems within us. The main one being that we can become triggered by something and we don’t realize what it is. Sometimes that thing that triggers us will be a person in our lives who will say something that is exactly like the person that hurt us, the memory that you’re storing in the deep dark recesses of the cabinet. Someone randomly will say something or sound exactly like that person who caused you pain or will do a mannerism like them and whoosh -that memory comes flooding right to the forefront of your mind. You then react to it with years of anger and years of hurt because you’ve been holding on to that file back there and carrying it around from place to place for so long. The unfortunate part of this is often the person who triggered you is not the person who deserves that energy in their lives that you are now giving them.

That’s why it is so important to go through these memories and weed out the ones you no longer need to hold on to. In the world of recovery or Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s called making amends. It’s an important step in recovery to go through and weed out the memories of where you have been wronged and where you have caused harm to someone else. You don’t need to tell anybody necessarily that you’re doing this, I mean in the recovery world we do, you do tell people that you’re doing this step on your path of recovery but for the folks who are just trying to live a better life, you don’t have to inform other people. You can just process it yourself.

Finding ways for ourselves to release these memories and emotions can vary greatly by each individual. I like to do my weeding while on my yoga mat, during a series of repetitive movements. Whether that is going through several sun salutations or shapeshifting from one pose like a side stretch to then moving over to the opposite side of the body and doing the same stretch. When I’m shapeshifting or doing a repetitive sequence, I like to close my eyes and that’s when I feel like I can really process the memories. By closing my eyes I get rid of the visual distractions and I can simply feel my body and think of these memories. There is no fear that I’m gonna bump into something or someone, I know where my space is on my mat while also allowing the breath to be my constant companion. This allows us to just breathe into the body and get into that deep subconscious mind and weed out the things that are not serving us to be our best selves. And making much-needed room for more joy, more love, and more laughter in our lives.

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Raising White Boys to be Allies

Home Life, Mindfulness

These are hard times. To say it’s been an emotionally hard few months is an understatement. I am not going to pretend that I magically have the answers or some sort of insight that you haven’t already heard before. But I think it’s important to acknowledge and name the emotions that we are feeling around our own racist behaviors and the deaths of black people in this country. When we name it, we normalize it. And what you are feeling right now is valid.

My emotions have been all over the place. I’ve gone from sadness to anger to fearful of the future. My wife and I are taking the time to listen and educate ourselves more on white privilege. We are reading books, watching movies, and most importantly we learning how to apply this knowledge more into our daily lives and into my business.

We decided to do a project with our teenagers, Listen Learn Act. Each week they LISTEN to black/POC voices. That can read an article, watch a video, or listen to a podcast. In their journal, they write what they LEARN by hearing this person’s point of view. The final step is how they will ACT going forward now that they know what they learned. We are teaching them how to see and take notice of their white privilege and how to educate themselves to be a better advocate for their friends and someday coworkers. To understand that their job is to speak up, as white men it is so important that they speak up when they see or hear someone saying or doing something inappropriate to another person.

It’s been interesting to hear the voices that they are choosing to listen to from fashion designers to you-tubers to singers. And then hearing how they are going to choose to act. I pray that we are sending white men out into the world who will make a difference in society. I hope that they will lead with kindness and compassion and be more confident allies to people of color.

I hope to have more conversations about racial inequality with our teenagers and with our family members. We are choosing to donate to various organizations that support the Black Lives Matter movement and I hope you will as well. Stay open and lead with kindness!